Journal of Ryan

[Ryan Simons]

Think you know me?
You're probably dead wrong....
(Bio)

((Before the RP with him even started....))

Okay, number one, this is a Journal, not a Diary. I don't have it stuffed under my pillow or floorboards, thanks. Oh gods, this is so stupid, if anyone saw me doing this...oh, well. Whatever, I don't care what anyone thinks about me any more, I haven't for a very long time.

I've been having nightmares lately. Mostly about Kathleen, Alex and Edmund. Kathleen its mostly abusive stuff, like she used to do with me when I was living with her. Jump the Pikes, Catch the Dagger, Get the Spikes, all of those nice games she invented to torture me. I think the only thing I'm afraid of is ovens. Fires at the forge, strangely I'm okay with. Kath had made me stay near fire for long periods of time as soon as I could make my own weapons, so regular fire, I'm fine with. Ovens, I hate them. That must of been one of the most scary experiences of my life. Only way I could get food for a month or so after was snatching it from her, sometimes she noticed, sometimes she didn't. There was no way I was going to start growing a garden or living on snails or anything. Sooner or later, I had to go back into the kitchen, but I stayed far away from the oven. Usually ate things cold unless I felt like starting a fire and heating it that way.

Edmund, his death date passed a few weeks ago. As well as Alex's leaving date. I still feel uncontrollable survivors guilt sometimes. Maybe its just plain guilt. Not survivors. I did kill him...not directly, but I did. That thought is going to haunt me the rest of my life as well. I can still remember the last look he had on his face when I told him. Back then I could sort of interpret facial expressions. Now I can't, not at all. Except for that one expression he had on his face when he died. Disturbance. It was mixed with upsetness and shock and everything else you would have on your face when a friend would tell you that they knew about something that could of prevented you from laying in a hospital and dying, but didn't tell you. The details of that day will stick in my head along with the event of the oven. Two of the most traumatic days of my life...weird thing was, I never really went into trauma.

I still can't believe I'm living in this Hades. I need to leave sooner or later or I'll go crazy here. I hate it here, am hated (don't care about that part), but still. Its a living Field of Punishment here. Anyway, its getting dark, time for me to break the only rule that I've broken so far in this Hades of a camp: curfew.

[Ryan Simons]

.Memories.

From: Like You Care

But life isn't fair!

Don't make the first move.

From: .stayhereforever.

The bushes moved. Ryan's eyes widened slightly and he took the staff that was in his hand and looked around. A boy, slightly bigger than Ryan leapt out and tackled him. Ryan gave a slight yelp of surprised and rolled with him. The opposite boy took a swipe at Ryan's legs. Ryan rolled backwards and scrambled up again. The boy also had a staff they both swiped at eachother at the same time. Their staffs met and the shock went up Ryan's arm, as did the other boy's. They both stood there, glaring at eachother. Then Ryan dropped his staff and grinned. "Hi, I'm Ryan," he said, smiling. "Want to be friends?" The other boy looked at him and smiled. "Sure!" he said, his face loosing into a grin as well and dropping his staff. "I'm Edmund."

You know Ry, its perfectly human to cry, be sad and upset and stuff, its normal. It doesn't mean you're weak.

Please, please, please, plllllllease?! With a dagger on top? I won't tell anyone!

"Oh? I thought you were the idiot," a younger Ryan snapped back at another boy. "Fine!" the opposite boy sniffed, sounding upset. The boy started moving, almost gracefully into the forest, getting deeper and deeper into it. Ryan couldn't keep up. Edmund had always had this uncanny ability to move alarmingly fast and gracefully through a forest. "Wait!" Ryan called out, the anger melting off his face extremely fast and becoming alarmed. "Don't go-" BANG! Ryan's blood froze. "Ed?" he called. Nothing. "EDMUND?!" Ryan called out, he started moving to where the other boy had disappeared. It was dark in here..."Ow!" Ryan winced as he tripped over something and hit his head on a branch. Where had he landed? What did he fall over? He staggered to his feet, his head still throbbing. He felt dizzy and just stumbled back down again.

"Ryan?"
"Yeah?"
"Where'd you go?"
"Tried to chase you down in the forest."
"Oh...did it work?"
"No."
"Oh...why?"
"You were to fast."
"Oh...sorry...guess I'm sort of odd when I move through the forest."
"Whatever, no problem."
"Did you know he had a gun?"
".....yeah."
"Did you know he was going to use it? ....on me?"
"...."
"Ry?"
"...."
"Did you?"
".....yeah."
"Oh....did you know he was in the forest?"
".......yes."
"Did...did you want me to run into the forest?"
"....no. Ed? ED!"

From: Watching The Ripples

Fight it
Buck up and take responsibility!

[Ryan Simons]

.Songs.

Uh... they'll make sense in time with the plotting and what not Plus his past sort of...
Say Goodbye
Lyrics

What Have You Done?
Lyrics


Ryan's stubbornness... hey, it can't be Ryan without it XD
I Will Not Bow
Lyrics

Stand My Ground
Lyrics


His anger against the world and how he thinks no one will ever understand him I guess...
Welcome to My Life
Lyrics
Narnia

Me Against the World
Lyrics


The sides of Ryan that you don't really get to see that often... but they're there
All I Need
Lyrics

Behind These Hazel Eyes
Lyrics

Dear Agony
~Reccomended by Nike Thanks!~
Lyrics

The Animal I've Become
Lyrics

I'm Just A Kid
Lyrics
(just take out I woke up ...[through]... I don't hear from them)


Guess more general. How he's still here and standing; its also follows along the lines of how he thinks sometimes
I'm Still Here
Lyrics

[Ryan Simons]

((Before Unfortunately... [Aria Hale & Avery Reynolds]))

I can't believe I'm being forced out of Camp. Okay, whatever, not forced... yeah forced. Either I go or... I have no idea what happens if I don't. Sure, I've always wanted to get out of Camp just for the Hades of it, but not for a quest. Heck, I'm not even sure what to do. Other than ask people and that was a Hades of a disaster. Other than the asking part, I have no idea what to do.

Has any demigod ever said no to a quest? Dang, I wish it could be like what the Oracle Girl had said in the past. Decide to go on a quest THEN go to the Oracle. At least the demigod had the choice back then! I hate what happens now. You get one weather you like it or not. The Oracle finds you, you don't seek out the Oracle. Then the Oracle tells you, weather you like it or not. You don't have a choice on yes or no. What if the demigod really didn't want to go on it? I mean, I really don't want to go on this thing. Well, whichever, life isn't fair. I was taught that a long time ago. So, whatever.

What if I just do that? What if I just say "No, I"m not going," to that stupid Oracle Girl. I really don't want to responsible for other people's lives again. Especially if two others are coming with me and I got that "danger and death" portion. Hate that. Seriously, if one of them dies while on the quest I was given, I think I may just flip. Finding that dead body of the Blake, Notos boy didn't help at all either. If anything it just upset me more. Made me remember what I had done to Edmund and potentially a lot of people if a war starts because of me. I don't think I could stand watching anything happen to Aria or Avery.

Maybe I'm just becoming to soft. I have no idea. I really hope I don't. To much has happened in the span of the week. Kath came, then Aria, then Nike, then, then Oracle girl then Blake, I don't think my head can take much more. I still can't believe I'm going on this quest thing, it sounds so... oh, I don't know. It took a lot to just get myself through seeing Blake, if I had to see Aria or Avery like that... well, it wouldn't be to good. Just saying.

[Ryan Simons]

.Nicknames.

From:
Kathleen "Kath" Simons:
You
Boy
It
That
Thing
....get the idea? Anything but my name -_-
I don't even respond to my actual name anymore, darn it

Edmund "Ed" Servius:
RyRy
Ryno

Alexander "Alex" Ruckshack:
Ry
Stubborn Head

Aria Hale
Sandy
Great Leader

Gabrielle Vaughn
Champ
RyFry

Mason Richardson
Bambi

Baylee Smith
McSteamy
Frat Boy

Nike
Rye-Rye
Rye
Mon Cherie
Rye-Pie
Rye-Guy
Ryeanator
Ryetro
Ryealicious

Avery Reynolds
Little Buddy

Kakeru "KK" Sidirou
Ares Meathead
Ares Brat

Andrea "Andy" Lawson
Little Red Ryan Hood

Isaac Winters
Stormy
Grumpy Bear
Immaculate Conception Boy

Jenna Bennett
Sunshine

Cordelia "Delia" Marshall
Mon Amor

Harmonia Collette
Liar
Cupcake
Porkchop
Carebear
Sweet Potato
Sugar Plum
Honey Bun
Sugar Pie
Angel Face
Buttercup

Azrael "Az" Everett
Hot Head

[Ryan Simons]

((While Ave was sleeping in Going Under [Avery Reynolds/Deimos]))

I'm the biggest fail in the history of failures.
Just putting that out there right now.
I should of never gotten a quest; I can't lead this for my life.
I've already killed one person; I've already failed.
Then again, I was a fail before I ever stepped into Camp grounds.

I shouldn't even be alive.

I know Oracle Girl can't help it and all, but I'm not one of those people who believe the "this is the way fate wants it to be" sort of thing. Aria was not supposed to go overboard and Avery was not supposed to be hit in the head.

Looks like I'm headed back to camp with just one of my two quest members. I am never going to be able to live with myself; forget forgiving myself for this.

Heck, I don't know if we'll make it ourselves. We're both lost, tired, and physically and emotionally wrecked in a gods forsaken forest on a land mass only Olympus knows where.

If I don't make it out, Avery has to. She absolutely has to. I won't let her die like I did with Aria. I don't care if I die in this gods forsaken tree; the world can go on without me. Avery needs to get back to camp. She has actual people who care about her. I just have a psychopath for a mother who'd probably just kill me on sight and a cabin full of siblings that I never talk to and rarely ever see.

If she does die under my watch, then I just may end up stabbing myself or something. Avery and Aria were both my responsibility; I was supposed to watch them and keep them safe. Instead, I just let Aria fall in between the rails and die.

This all would of never of happened if I existed. The first day I came here, Owl Brian and Fish Face told me that it was uncommon for monsters to not attack kids of the Olympian gods. I was never attacked as a kid. Quite technically I should be dead already; gods only knows why monsters didn't attack.

They should of.

I haven't really contributed anything to this world but misery. I've been training my entire life and all I'm good at is killing people.

[Ryan Simons]

Being back isn't helpful at all. Not to me, anyway. I should of died on the quest; I was so close to it so many times, but no, it had to be Aria; and it was all my fault. The only thing that's keeping me around is Avery, I swear.

You can call me what you want, but I have almost no allegiance.
Any loyalty I have is to Aria and Avery and that's it.

I DO NOT want to get healed. I don't deserve it. I don't deserve anything, the end, moving on. I don't care if the other guy can knock me out, but I am NOT getting healed.

Everything that happened out there's my fault... everything.
I chose them and well, just... everything that happened afterwards.
The quest, Aria going overboard, the boat crashing, Avery's head, the war... everything.

Odd thing is I don't blame the Oracle Girl... not a lot anyway. Not her fault she randomly spews stuff out.

Only good thing that has come out of us being back is that Ave's gotten the help she needs. She's in the Big House with someone who'll do a better job of helping her than I ever could... or ever did. All I did was scar her for life and give her a concussion. I can't do anything right, and if I ever try, it always works out wrong. I feel like all this quest has done was everything negative... just like me. It's killed a Camper and one of my only friends, it's started a war and it's sent me into a life long guilt trip... as if I wasn't on one already. For years I was just able to shove past. I never cracked or anything, but the quest just made it all the worse. All the old stuff resurfaced, and this time, I don't think it's ever leaving.

I still can't stop thinking about what everyone said to me. Deimos and the others, I mean. Alex's rant about me choosing Aria and Avery didn't exactly help. Also, Deimos said something that made Avery crack, as if we weren't run down enough already. It looks like most of her spirit is more than likely busted, and she looks awful. Won't look anyone in the eye or anything. I am seriously going to see to it personally that she's up and kicking monster butt again. It's complete bull that no one cares about her, that no one would miss her. I'd miss her like Hades... I honestly wouldn't know what I'd do without her, seriously. But it's not like I'm ever going to tell her that. I mean... maybe... eventually. I mean, she deserves it... she really is the only thing keeping me going.

I think I'm already half dead and right now, I honestly don't care.
I've already spiraled out and from no return.
It killed me to no end when we left Aria out there... I feel so useless, not able to swim
...and not to sound all metaphorical and all, but I think leaving my swords behind on the gods forsaken land mass was sorta symbolical. Yeah, I pretty much left more then half of myself on that island, or wherever the heck we were stranded.

I really do not want to go to sleep. I'm going to have nightmares, I know it. Even if I shut my eyes for a minute, I see things. Things that I never want to see again in my life.

[Ryan Simons]

.WeaponStock.

Psh, well Kath always told me to keep log of em, haven't done so till now... and there's been a few changes

Before the Quest:
Staff
2 Spear Heads
3 Daggers
3 Disks
2 Swords
Bow & Arrows
Weapons Belt
Sharpening Stone

After Quest:
Staff
Dagger
Disk

I sorta miss my swords... I liked them the best.
Yeah, I'm getting all metaphorical and all, but I feel like I left my life there. On that gods darn land mass.
Aria and most of my weapons.

From Others:
Avery's Hairpin/Throwing Knife - To give back
...anything to make her feel the remotest bit better

Nike's Pocket Knife/Ninjato Sword - Given as a (so called) "gift"
... I still don't know the stupid concept